Sitting exhausted in my living room at 3 am, as I try to put my 8-month-old baby – who is teething and going through sleep regression – to sleep, I wonder where did I go wrong? Or did I even go wrong?
For as long as I remember, I have believed that I always “wanted” to be a doctor. But in reality, my parents yearned so much for me to be one that I began to desire it with the same inclination and never imagined a life where I wouldn’t have the prefix “Dr.” before my name. For all I know, I could have become an amazing writer, a talented chef, or an astronaut; Perhaps it is possible in some parallel universe now. I was a student slightly above average, but I guess not a good enough one to get into a government medical college. Despite a lot of hesitance and resistance from me, my parents convinced me to get admission in a private medical college. Yes, I am a private medical college student and quite aware of the associated stigma but right now let’s just focus on revealing my deepest and darkest insecurities to the world.
In medical college, I was a hard-working student who scored well. I can easily say I was one of the good ones – doctors I mean. Good in theory, Good with practicals and even better with patients. I had envisioned and planned my entire life. Mbbs followed by marriage, house job, FCPS part 1, kids and finally becoming a consultant. But life had something else in store for me; something my brain cells are yet to comprehend today. Life hit me and my plans hard, not once, not twice, but more times than I can count.
I got married right before my final exams and began my house job after I passed my exams. It was in the middle of my house job that my father had a stroke. The stroke left him with some disabilities, and he needed round-the-clock care and medical attention. Therefore, I decided to freeze my house job for 6 months to focus on his well-being and recovery. As soon as I started my house job again, I found out I was having a baby. This news made me and my family the happiest; I did not worry much about anything else because I was naive enough to think that I will clear my FCPS part 1 once I have the baby. Let’s just say I was unaware that after my darling angel’s birth, we were to be hit by a life changing, earth shattering deadly Pandemic that would again pause my dreams for good.
After two terrifying years of COVID-19, I finally decided to apply for FCPS Ophthalmology part 1. However, a week before my exam, my stroke-ridden father was diagnosed with COVID 19 and was put on the ventilator. I would sit for hours in the hospital waiting area, holding SK Pearls in my hands as my mind raced with thoughts of the inevitable. I did appear in the test but unfortunately could not pass it. A week later my father passed away. Losing my dear father broke me in every possible way.
After a while I decided to change my direction and have a different course of action. I passed my GAT exam and got admission in MPHIL anatomy. But like I mentioned life’s way of messing with my plans, the day my classes were supposed to start, I found out that I was expecting my second baby. I eventually decided to drop out as the university refused to give me any maternity relaxation or freeze my semester once I had the baby.
Today, I often sit alone and wonder what my life could have been. Some might even blame me for not excelling professionally and call my hurdles nothing but excuses; they might say people have had it worse and I agree. But every decision I made was calculated by keeping in my mind the countless things in my life at that time. Mind you I love my children to death. They are my joy and blessings. I most certainly do not regret having them. I do not regret prioritizing my father over my career. But that does not make it easier for me to deal with intrusive thoughts. Seeing your classmates doing so well professionally as you sit here constantly contemplating your life and picking apart each of your decisions takes a toll on your mental well-being. People make you question your worth by asking why don’t work anymore or by saying you are wasting yourself.
The reason I wanted to share my ordinary story with you all is so that you can understand who I am, identify my struggles and resonate with them. My story can mean something to the people who struggle with life constantly putting them down and the world expecting them to get up every time. People need to know that they are not alone in their struggles, and they should not lose hope. I want people like us to acknowledge that one day we will make it too. It won’t be easy or pleasant, but we will make it. I know there are so many more women like me who are struggling with the same challenges or problems that are far worse than mine, who are torn between choosing to run a household, be there for their children and or follow their careers. There are also women who can’t work because they don’t have enough familial support to leave their children at home or women who leave their kids at home and go to work because they don’t have financial security.
It's high time for us women to realize that we cannot do or be everything at once. We must understand the importance of a culture where motherhood is cherished, and sacrifices are appreciated. You are enough as you are. You are strong as you are and you are undoubtedly amazing!
To all my struggling doctor Mama’s looking for a sign or validation, know that you are not alone. You are enough and we are in this together.
About Dr Ammarrah amin
A not so average housewife, who has traded in her stethoscope for a frying pan and a pen.
After spending 5 years working to become a good enough doctor, life had something else in store for me. Entering motherhood, I decided to be a stay at home mom for a few years; Since that my kids today only allow me 10 minutes a day to breathe peacefully, I have finally decided to come back to what I was made for all along.
With my trusty notepad in one hand and a spatula in the other I embark on this new journey of becoming a Dr. Writer.
So brace yourself for a dose of reality, a sprinkle of medical wisdom and a pinch of dark humor as I take the world one article and one FCPS PART 1 at a time.